Moms or Super Moms - Part II

After a "particular" chat with my friend today I felt I needed to complete this series. Sometime back I wrote about Indian moms who seem to have turned Super moms in this era. I also mentioned that I haven't noticed many instances of Super moms amongst my western friends. Let's explore some of my observations on this.

Most Indian moms go out of their way to support their kids and give them the best. They do this unselfishly with a good intention. However, most also lose their own identities and their world starts revolving around their children. The sun rises and sets on the child and they cannot look beyond that world for what 10-15 years? Once the child/children start getting independent and want to explore the world on their own the moms suddenly feel at a loss. Either they continue the molly-cuddle and suffocate the child or get depressed that they are not needed. This is true even amongst some of the career moms - especially now when the one-Child @home concept seems to be taking over.

In all this who's at a loss? 1. The mom herself who has stopped viewing life beyond her kid. 2. The husband who might have wandered away or found his own entertainment - drinks or career or friends!

A generation ago this was more relevant with the molly cuddle extending well into the 20s and 30s for men. Most men in India are still pampered by their moms blinded from reality! That's another topic... In my generation women seem to be waking up but, not as much as needed, to look beyond the child. It's difficult to cut the virtual umblical cord which seems to tie one to the child. However, some independence is absolutely necessary.

Most of my western friends have a different approach to bringing up their children. The entire attitude moves from love to indepence. They give them space and do not compromise on their own lifestyles. That's a totally different culture. Is this good or bad? Nothing is good or bad until its comparative and I'm no judge!

So moms out there wake up and take a good look at yourselves. Check if you have your life's mission chalked out? What are doing for yourself? Do you have a couple of hours for yourself? Do you read - expand your knowledge - develop your skills? Do you have any idea what you will do after your children leave the house for further studies? Yes, to all these questions then continue the great lifestyle and encourage your neighborhood moms to follow you.

I also feel that the relationship with the spouse is something which should never be compromised. Never taken for granted - never underestimated - never overlooked. Marriage is to be together for a lifetime and that's the most important relationship for any human. If Indian moms can balance these two and help their children become independent responsible citizens then the next generation of Super moms will flourish too...What say?

Say "No" to Vacations!

That's quite a statement isn't it? How can anyone say No to vacations? This has nothing to do with the economic downturn or trends - it's a very sensitive matter amongst many NRI women.

I observed this first when I moved to Belgium - that most Indian women were reluctant to go home for the annual vacations. Back then I couldn't imagine what was wrong with them but on closer observation I've discovered the reasons. Most of them still dont have a choice but keep praying that they can say No to the next vacation atleast! Sad...

This is a specific case of women who have to go on vacations to India along with their husbands. They prefer going alone with their kids for a couple of months. So what's the difference? Well simple - if they go with their husband the short vacation will be spent entirely or majorly at their in-laws place and they dont get enough time to spend with their parents! I don't need to get into the details of how restricting that can be - it's obvious.

I never realised this was a major problem until I started a little research into this topic. I gathered that this was an opinion shared by most women across the globe. Most of the ladies return from their vacations and say they are dead tired and found it too tiring, disgusting, no time to do anything and overall sick! Poor things have to work more in India on their vacations. They return and fall ill and take sometime to recover from that mental and emotional exhaustion.

It will take another generation before Indian women can stand up to what they think THEY should do...doesnt seem to be happening yet in my generation. Surprising but true - Sad Facts! So most women still shut up or try to put their ideas across and get rejected. It's an age Old story yes! I'm trying to cope with the fact that it continues well into my gen! Real Bugging!

My story is different maybe just one of those few exceptions. Simply have to thank God for that and be content! I can't change the world nor can I help all these women who want to say No...it's upto them to take the step!

Moms or Super Moms? - Part 1

As a child I was terrified of my mom or rather her super-efficieny. I used to be amazed at how she managed the house, career, school, events in school, family events, my sis and ofcourse ME. Everything seemed to be sailing smoothly through my awe-struck eyes - with no worries and only thoughts of mischief in my head. Whenever I fell down she used to clean, bandage, hug, kiss and later spank me for attempting to climb the tree and jump from it (ok! good sequence)! When I was the devil-incarnate teenager, she bore that with poise and strict control and simply asked me to go to my room and continue shouting if I wanted to. Wow! Now, she's my best friend, best confidante and we behave like girl friends when we communicate! Her age and retirement have not hampered her spirits and she is extremely busy as an advisor to the top schools in India, runs her own mini-establishment, helps my sister run her life (that's quite something), looks after dad, gives me long distance advice, teaches her grandchildren ethics to live in the society and the list goes on. A simple MOM cannot really describe her and anyone who knows her would agree that she's the top of the tops Super Mom!

The next story is about my sister - I'm younger to her but always had the protective role coz she was considered an innocent lil thing. The entire family was out to protect her from God knows what I dont know - she just inspired that kind of feeling with her innocent face and outlook towards life! However, once she had kids she seemed to progress leaps and bounds from this shell and transformed into a mini-typhoon of energy and activity! She runs her hospital and clinic with strict efficiency, manages the staff, is the center of her household, keeps upgrading her educational certifications, practices her music, teaches music, is the President of her residential block, organizes events and still manages to come back home on time to meet her kids when they come back from school and stuff them with healthy food. Gosh! Listing them has made me tired I really don't know how she manages. Taking after her mom she really has some great enthusiasm to encourage her kids to participate in all extra curricular activities and she dresses them up with care for every party and helps them prepare and win almost every activity. What's this called? Sibling love or super mom? Even with an impartial eye you can't deny that she's doing her best!

Now, that's family and I might be prejudiced and blinded by love. Off late I've been observing my girl friends (Indian origin) closely and getting to understand what's happening to them after they've had kids. AND Lo Behold! What do I observe? Each one of them seems to be excelling in her role as Mom and managing a warm home without compromising on their visions/missions in life! Oooh the examples are many I can't even quote. PP and EG my close girl friends manage their own establishments with a great entrepreneurial spirit while never compromising on the quality of life of their kids. Tradition, religion, ethics, values are all taught to the kids with interest. I was amazed when PP told me her lil kids can sing most religious songs and sit with her while praying - all this even after living in the US! Great reminds me of my childhood although I forgot most songs hmm...

Observing all this my conclusion is that women seem to gain a fighting spirit and seem to want to conquer the world once they have children. There is a marked change in their psyche - everyone talks of hormonal change and physical change but overlook this major change - their Spirit! Once they want to do their best for their kids they seem to develop super natural powers! I suppose with this backdrop the word MOM may safely be replaced by SUPER MOM!

Don't you agree? All Moms are Super moms!

P.S. I haven't observed this marked change in psyche amongst my non-Indian friends and let's discuss that later.

The Belgian Partyholics!!!

The word conjures up some youngsters with long hair, sporting funky earrings and haridos, high on dope and into heavy metal or jazz, rock, etc...

Well you've got it totally wrong in this case. I've been busy these last two weeks and unable to write because I've become a Partyholic (actually a part of the Belgian Partyholics Society- BPS) - not as described above but in various other ways.

- Planning - WHY - Organising - WHAT
- Shopping (now thats more like it) - ITALL
- Delegating
- Implementing
- Clicking Snaps - uploading and distributing the links - lemme tell u its no mean task!
- Cooking (almost forgot that!!!) - designing menus to suit the themes - delegating and finalising --- ooff!
- Total MASTI
- Dog Tired - with all the above

With the Easter vacation on and all the shops at Mid-Season Sales and ALL the Kids at home most MOMS have been running close to MAD. So a group of us designed a total back to back schedule for these two weeks to avoid ending up in asylums at the end of the holidays.

We've had to plan parties to include the bountiful energies of the kids and the dying energies of the moms. It's been a challenge and also extremely interesting for me - the observer(all times) and conductor(sometimes). This season we've tried to get inventive changing venues - indoors and outdoors, making themes, inventing games and most important get everyone involved (that can be daunting!). It's been a hell of a ride till date and we still have 5 days and 4 events left till schools reopen! Sleep well seems to be the only TIP for now!

All these are parties are mostly in the DAY - and the evening parties continue as usual - Ofcourse!!! Maybe I should start a Party Consulting website soon...

Until then you go ahead and listen to this song from Vengaboys - We Like to Party

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oldctNEsJLk


(Please feel free to contact me for any suggestions or advice for your parties ! Note - it may be Free only until I start those web services...)
(This is dedicated to all the masti gang in BPS!!! Kudos to the future...)

"Mom - I Love Broccoli, Karela and Garlic!"

While on the topic of food I remembered this discussion that some of my girl friends and I have been harping on off late. Cooking and recipes is a common source of entertainment when women meet and I'm no exception. We suddenly realised that the kids don't get to eat a particular category of food if the Moms dont like it. Forget about the husbands (they belong to the same gen)!

This realization hit us and at present most of my friends are giving it a very serious thought. Imagine the next generation grows up not knowing about the existence of a particular vegetable or a taste that we took for granted as we grew up.

The common hate factor was Karela - most people don't appreciate it's bitter taste so avoid it completly ignoring it nutritious values. Another was Brinjal. Personally I can't imagine food without these two maybe because I saw abundance of these two while growing up.

I grew up without the influence of ginger-garlic pastes or any normal masalas coz my mom thought it wasn't good for health or she might have learnt it that way from her mom! There was this misconception that garlic was used mostly by the non-vegetarians and so was almost banned in the vegetarian households of our ancestors and thus the influence continued.

This is constraining the Knowledge transfer through the generations. I suppose now all these super-moms should become super-human too and suppress their aversions for proper knowledge transfer. They should allow the household to form their own opinions while keeping their perceptions to themselves. This is a little far-fetched and very difficult but necessary if you look at the big picture! I've seen my MIL achieve this so I suppose it is do-able.

Let's try to help pass on the tastes through the ages. People should learn to appreciate all the tastes bitter-sour-sweet- salt and get on with life!

If you know of anything that I don't like to cook just let me know about it because generally food and I walk hand-in-hand. But, there is always scope for improvement!

(Thanks to the ladies who hate Broccoli, Karela, Brinjal, etc. now we strongly feel we need to change our styles of cooking.)

The Outsider, My friend

Well its about Women! Especially women in India! Do u feel like an outsider in your own house? How do u actually feel after u move to a new house? How long does it take to consider Ur in-laws house as your own house? How many days/months/years? Does it ever happen even or is it part of the "have to adjust syndrome" one grows up with.

As a volunteer working with women who faced challenges on the home front I used to hear frequently that they felt like an "Outsider". And this feeling continued for ages until they gave up on trying to become a part and considered themselves as an extension of the family tree necessary for the continuation of the lineage which need not necessarily include their inclusion in the family.

How many husbands understand this. I'm not talking of a nuclear urbanised family. I'm talking of the majority. Things are changing yes I agree too, but how fast and will it ever happen? When my friends or I become mils will we be the same. I don't know that's still another 20 years away so lets not dream about it. For now my generation still faces the same old - age old problem of being considered as "outsiders". Imagine living in a house for a decade and facing daily reminders that u have come from another family. Excuse -us we just chose to live with you'll for the rest of our lives. Where does that go to?

My experience has been different as I knew my in-laws before my marriage and was eagerly welcomed. In fact my mil and I keep discussing such issues as this and what we could do about it. That's interesting coz she gives her views on behalf of her generation and I on behalf of mine. Well atleast these are perspectives. I can take that. Its interesting to understand that a woman forms the core of the family even though its a male dominated society. AND the basic fact is two woman cannot share the same turf. And in most cases the daughter-in-law has to understand that and shut up.

Well even in the circles of urban modern nuclear families think about how many d-i-ls are ready to go to their in-laws place at the drop of the hat.They feel comfortable being where they are and try to reduce as much as possible the dreaded in-laws visit. Or if they are forced to meet they grin and bear it and later come and crib endlessly to anyone who is free to listen. That's the truth accept it.

After so much thought we have to try to come up with solutions. The best solution is learn to grin and bear it. No fights, no harm, no problems and both the ladies are happy. Well I can't face brick bats for that statement but then that's the only tried and tested way of surviving.

Ok Ok Lets think of more reasonable ones. I strongly believe that "U" are the only one who is and can be in control of every situation. U make the world a better place. Try your best and just leave the rest. There are some people whom you cannot change - once you accept that statement deep down you will feel better - much better and try to make you new house your home. It's not called adjusting then its called having tried your best that's all. AND as an educated woman never give up or give in to harassment. It's your life so u better have some control over it.

The world would be a better place if d-i-ls stopped cribbing about their in-laws and the unfair treatment. Lets give our children a safer and better world. Shall we try?

Well I'm open to more suggestions. Tell me more...