Twins Mom!

Being a twins mom I haven't actually written anything much on kids or raising twins. Well my twins are Five and I think its high time I gave this a thought and get to some interesting learnings to share. The series has started...

Lets start with some general society inputs which I love - surrounding twins just my experience:  

- Ooooh "They are twins?!!" How nice...and now this has changed to real surprise as my son is actually 15cms taller at five years a head and shoulder above his sister. But still you CAN make out they are twins...Now I've heard this statement so many times that I try to pleasantly smile and say something polite. Ofcourse everytime we meet new people the statement repeats - is it a question or surprise or just happy to meet twins...I'm happy to hear it as it was definitely the SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT event in my life!  

- Next "How lucky you have boy and a girl! You have finished it at one go wow and more wows!" I really dont know what I'm supposed to have finished but thanks yes I'm lucky to have the boy and the girl really and love kids and always ready to have many more. Dont be scared its my choice!  

- The next wonderful question which I trend upon "So were your twins natural?" Aww whatever... but being an Indian I really dont mind being cornered answering this even though it's  personal. Well its not a particular nation or culture asking this question almost everybody in Belgium in the hospitals too ask this as multiple conceivements in Belgium are rare. And then whatever answers I give to this no one believes and jump to conclusions and start giving fantastic advice so just smile and keep smiling!  

- Then everyone has to definitely tell me in the bus, in the hospital, in the tram in the metro about a pair of twins they know and some definite event around their memories. I'm a good listener YES thanks! But I do have "twins" hanging onto me and talking nineteen to the dozen and confusing the hell out of me and the the entire neighbourhood. Can we spare a minute for them? I'm sure many of my friends have noticed my confused expressions around such events...some have deviously enjoyed too at my expense! 
 

- The best ofcourse is " It's all done now yaar you are free they are FIVE and independent! Lucky gal...!" Hey-lo is that a joke? Everyday it gets worse more and more work and tough handling. The ultimate challenge to answer two mischievous trapping questions at the same time!

Try this for starters - Twin ONE the smart ass: "Can I eat this chocolate?" Mom says yes if you hungry just eat now (get it over with  damn)...The other one sermons - "But dad said he shouldn't eat chocolates they are bad for health and the doctor said we should stop this as much as possible, and I wonder why you are allowing him to continue eating THAT chocolate, so may I eat it too?" YES YES  I will fight the world just eat those two damn chocolates and dont lecture me!

- The toughest is when they fall ill together and the mom is dead tired. Is there a difference in siblings falling ill and twins falling ill together? Well in twins theres an emotional bond whatever type of twin and yes they DO fall ill together and the recovery is much harder as they NEED to emotionally and physically recover together. This is true 90% of the times.

 

- AND let me tell you NO ONE can prepare you for HAVING twins you are just thrown into it and then you have no choice. Another famous misconception everyone has - "SP you are great you managed very well!" Let me put this to a permanent rest - NO I DID NOT manage well - I slogged, I cried, I experimented, I had sleepless nights, I cried more, I planned, I organized, I picked the doctors brains, I carefully filled every minute to read and research, I shouted at my husband and I still shout and ask him to use ear plugs (someone needs to listen too), and more...and still trying to survive the challenge of being a twins mom!  

I'm truly blessed with friends around me who love my twins as much as they love me and we've been having a great time bringing them up together. The society is just understanding that bringing up twins is a whole new challenge and needs continuous support from everyone around. Children grow up with love and acceptance and that's the single most important thing in their lives! Lets share the love...

 

BUT dear Twins Moms gear up the WORK never ends and the FUN continues and the Patience and Energy Decreases...and that's your LIFE!

 

 

 Signing off from my mischievous duo...

 

 

What's In a Name - Part II

 

 

Well Let me beg to differ Monsieur...Life starts with a name Your name - In the western world you are named at birth and in many Asian cultures you have a "naming ceremony" but the child is born with the family name in place.

 

As we move across cultures there is a major disparity on whats a first name, last name, family name, middle name and such. Not only many names across the globe have 4-5 words we do not know what's what! Call it anything Voornaam, Achternaam, Familienaam, Naam, Prenom, Nom or simple First name, Middle Name(s) or Last Name its still confusing. It wonderful each part of the name actually has a name to it...superb and all those who are reading this would relate to a simple 'first' name and 'last' name as what comes first and last.

 

In Polite society we have prefixes like Mr., Dr., Mrs., Miss etc and the same way in French Monsieur or Madame and in Dutch Meneer or Mevrouw. Now I give you a name Dr. Grijs Phillipe. Kindly decipher this for me how do you address him? Dr. Philippe or Dr. Grijs and what is the first and what is the last name...Recently I had my most embarrassing moment in sometime when I got this wrong and the gentleman was offended. Well that's why this blog to help anyone reading...My dear friends welcome to the world of confusion. For me Phillipe sounded like the first name but I kept scratching my head on why it was written second and I got caught anyway.

 

I apologised as he was my own doctor and couldn't afford to insult him. I said across cultures this gets difficult and had to correct myself. End of story there then I did tons of research mighty google and discussed with many neighbours and reached a few key take aways which I'm sharing:

 

- " The study of names is called onomastics, a field which touches on linguistics, history, anthropology, psychology, sociology, philology and much more." Source Wiki...In Human readable language that means names have a big history they were just not made up SO NEVER assume anything about anyone's name. Kindly respect each one! Try to find out their meaning or origins people actually love to talk about these just try it out for small talk soon...

 

- RULE 1: In European and European influenced cultures like the Americas,  Africa and Oceania its more common to write the name in a common format : First name Middle name Last name.

RULE 2: Now there's something called the Eastern Order which reverses this...obviously has to clash with RULE 1 (didn't I say welcome to confusion sometime back) their format : Last Name Middle Name(s) First Name (ouch)!

To avoid confusion about why is first last and last first lets rename these and make an easy format : Family Name Middle Name(s) Given Name how's that...thats readable.  

AND please believe that many countries in Europe actually follow this. Slovekian countries, Greece, part of Germany,  Netherlands!!!

RULE 3: The Far eastern countries China, Japan, Korea and friendly neighbours all follow the European Order of writing names. Infact in Japanese they write vertically and the Family name comes first and their format is : Upper Name Middle Name(s) Given name

 

In simple words that means kindly ask new people what is the family name when they give you a card and don't commit faux pas like I did! I was on phone luckily and heard the tirade...oops yes!

 

- Then guess what some cultures\ countries said we don't care about all these and go by ONE single name called the Mononym wow smart! Well u may use the prefixes or not its upto your association with the person. If you are a friend drop the prefix if its a business acquaintance then greet with a prefix! Easy ain't it?

 

That's name formats...and in my friendly interviews and discussions in the neighbourhood and my Belgian friends I heard many say that in Belgium everyone writes RULE 2 Eastern Order format which is not true. Belgium is a true cosmopolitan city and there are settlers from various cultures generations ago moved from other places and how they write their names hasn't changed. Majority of the French and Dutch Belgians would write as in RULE 1. But the mixed cultures as in father is Greek mom is English get very confused and go by the Eastern Order at times.

 

 

 

One of my neighbours got really excited on this topic and gave me her interesting opinion. She said please understand the history of Europe we have had an interesting dominating neighbour namely United Kingdom seeking to conquer the world from generations ago centuries ago. To defy them some countries in Europe also started following Eastern Order just to spite them. Long ago the world was united and Eastern Asia was not far away we just split as you know from the geography and ofcourse some ideas and traditions are the same. Aren't many Russian and Indian names running parallel even now?

Well hats off to her bold answers she's a Professor of Sociology at Leuven university and teaches Mphil,  Phd students. I'm blessed to be her neighbour as we have such interesting discussions...

 

So finally how do we read Dr. Grijs Philippe? Ofcourse its easy call him Dr. Grijs with respect and if possible fold your hands he loves it! He's a French Belgian with some Greek origins roots four generations ago he told me a few meetings and greetings with respect later...wow and my research worked right? I shall find a minute or two to tell him he led me to new discoveries! But first impressions are really important luckily I goofed on the phone after my first few impressions so I survived.

 

When in quandary always ask! Or read the full name...that's a last option but better than goofing!

 

Have fun and hope this blog helps a few readers! Have to end with my favourite quote of all times!

Well yes we agree and we shall try to get it right too.

 

 

 

 

 You may read Part one too for more information.

(I have used my doctors name with permission told him its getting onto my blog! As ever any opinions expressed here are purely mine and not influenced by any culture and not intended to hurt anyone)

 

 

 

 

Child Labour... A Boon for India!

 

The title is bound to irritate the hell out of every social worker and some politicians and if it doesn't rile you then you are the ones benefiting from child labour! Can any of us deny having seen such a scene on the road (as in the picture)?

I'm just back from a vacation to India and was astonished to see how much this crime has infiltrated and how almost everyone turns a blind eye to it! People have just accepted it as they accept their names at birth. Most times they don't even notice it! In fact the smooth running of the society depends on child labour! If you don't agree with me then for once just open your eyes and look around. Here's a small gist of my observations when I casually looked around outside my own house...

A cup of tea early in the morning is a must for most of us but HOW do we get that milk? Reading the newspaper alongwith the tea wow the most relaxing moments of the day! How did that newspaper reach your house? Did you bother to look out or are you just happy that you got your newspaper? Thanks to the two little boys who delivered the milk and the newspaper.  Is your house neat and tidy and is the street in front of your house neat are you cooperating with the Swach Bharath drive? Well excellent good job! Lets thank the little garbage cleaners who picked up the rubbish from your house and the street side cans! So as you can see Child Labour is actually a boon to the society it helps all the daily processes run smoothly right? Yes that's absolutely right!

 

Out of concern and frustration I asked people around me how do they allow this to go on. Their answers varied from "How can we help?" or "You should ignore it" or "We have tried but no one listens." or "Kya pharak padta hai yaar"...disinterested attitudes!

 

One fine morning I woke up early and stepped out to confront the situation on my own.

 

Phase 1: Milkman/boy -

Me: Hello! How old are you? Don't you go to school? Why are you working? Children shouldn't work do you know that?

Ramu: I'm 15 years and I can work.  (He looked nothing more than 9). I distribute milk and go to school.  I have 5 siblings and I need to work. Please don't delay me with all these questions.

Phase 2: Paperboy

Me: Hello do you know you shouldn't work? How old are you?

Rahim: I'm 16 so I can work. (Now this little boy was definitely not more than 10 -11). I go to college (liar liar). I get 1000 rupees for this which I use to pay school fees and tuition fees. I need to work please let me go. Pet ka sawal hai madam padna bhi hai acha job milna hai toh kya kare...

Phase 3: Garbage collector boy

Me: Hello! What's your name? How old are you? Why are your working? Don't you want to study?

Raju: I don't know all these. My mother told me to work that's all. If I don't work then I don't get anything to eat. I don't know how old I am. (Really sorry but this little kid was pushing a tricycle full of garbage and must be around 8 years). Everyone asks me how old I am I don't know madamji I only know I have to take all these packets to that garbage man and then he gives my mother money.

Phase 4: Neighbours baby sitter

Me: Hello do you know you shouldn't work? How old are you?

Sita: I'm 16 auntie. My father passed away and my mother said we should work to survive. (This little girl would be 12-13). I have no choice I had to stop school and I'm looking after two babies from 8am to 7pm (that's 11 hrs of tiring work). I also do some household work when the babies are sleeping. (that's no rest for 11 hours).

The Scary RESULTS after my casual enquiries

- My parents did not get milk or papers for the next few days. The suppliers were rude when we called them and asked me to mind my own business.

- The garbage collecting boys did not appear for a week in our colony.

- My neighbour came to fight and asked me to keep my NRI ideas to myself and let them live with baby sitters as they are the most difficult to find.

The Outcome

- We managed to stop these four crimes and discussed with the employers about it! Should I feel guilty that I cut off money to the families? Should I feel happy that the children are not working. Surely all four kids and their families were cursing me.

- My mother promised to help all four children with their education. But still the families were not happy as what they needed is money to survive.

- My dad asked me to look around and think on a larger scale how to help them better. I pinged my friends on whatsapp and set up donations for the four kids. (I do have some fast acting bade dilwale friends).

 

It's just a step but that's what we did. I'm not sure if the families are happy yet but they will be in the long run. Stopping a social crime starts with a small step. Let's take that step even if it has many repercussions!

I'm sure this will repeat and next year when I go I will meet another Ramu, Raju, Rahim and Sita. But until then I did my bit! Can you do your bit now? If you have no paper or milk for a few days its fine just go buy from the corner shop but don't turn a blind eye to who is delivering these! If you cant get an adult baby sitter then manage on your own DO NOT encourage Child Labour!

 

The friendly neighbourhood chaiwala's nephew delivering chai chai...or the maid's daughter helping her mother clean vessels...or the provision store owner's bhatija helping deliver supplies...Can we Say NO to them? Look around and you will find more...

Child Labour is a Crime! And we are supposed to be the Educated Gen...lets prove it!

 

Note: The observations and ideas are purely the authors and not intended to hurt any sentiments of the society! The author has worked with underpriviledged children for over two decades and is a certified international counselor who specializes in parent-child therapy.
 

(Pictures courtesy India Inc.)